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M and M
A soliloquy by someone prone to Malapropisms or Misquotations To urn her tinder love so sweat My balaclava I shall play And to my liver,...
Glynders and Glasto
A visit to Glastonbury en route to Glyndebourne in the style of Roger McGoug. i fancied a weekend of cultureandstuff with a touch of...
On Target
A poem beginning with Betjeman’s words: ‘Come heavenly bombs and fall on…’ Come heavenly bombs and fall on flies! Their irksome buzzing...
Last Words
A poem containing the line: ‘They couldn’t hit an elephant from there’ Oh, what a vile villain in the Vale of Elah stood, A Philistine...
Diamond George
An imaginary extract from George Orwell’s ‘Twenty Eighty’ Bryony O’Brien (Jnr.), Vice Controller and Grand Mistress of Treblespeak,...
Pen Pals
A verse letter from Noel Coward to T.E. Lawrence and Lawrence’s reply You may or may not be – of that I’m not sure Though you drew ‘tides...
Giving Up The Ghost
A ghost story entitled, ‘The Face of the Horse’ Some say the horse’s face never really appeared and that any claims to the contrary are...
Dear Mary
A problem posed in the style of a famous poet to Mary, The Spectator’s agony aunt Dear Mary, aid is if you can, Ay, if you can, There...
Annus Mirabilis
A poem in which the opening of Philip Larkin’s ‘Annus Mirabilis’ is adapted so that 1963 becomes 2007 and ‘sexual intercourse’ becomes...
The Kindest Month
A poem in praise of February Oh, to be in England Now February’s there, With Autumn’s mess swept out of sight And all the branches bare....
Condensing Jane
A limerick version of a Jane Austen novel. In Bath, Catherine (stars in her eyes) Finds muddles and mishaps arise, It’s no bed of roses...
On the road
A poem entitled, ‘Meditation on the M25’ Before the Dome adorned the Thames or London’s Eye revolved, The London Orbital was built and...
Nobody Lives
A diary extract by Samuel Pepys for July, 2007 July 2007 (not, it seemeth, January 1684). So, up at 5 0’clock, proposing to breakfast,...
Growing Pains
An extract from the diary of a famous historical figure 1856, June 29. Confusing month. Spent sixteenth birthday pondering, under the...
Nonsensical
A nonsense poem beginning with, ‘They went to sea in a sieve, they did…’ as in Edward Lear’s poem, ‘The Jumblies’ They went to sea in a...
Dream Date
A Spectator ‘Love Bug’ ad written by a well-know literary character Short, compact, eloquently rapsodoosical though slightly skeptacious...
Blonde Ambition
An acrostic poem in support for Boris Johnson’s bid to become Mayor of London in which the first letters of each line spell BORIS FOR...
Seven Seas
A plausible piece of prose incorporating the following words: century, carnage, cordial, censure, cataract, clerical and celery The vicar...
Hole Hearted
A short story entitled ‘A Life With a Hole’ Only at night did the sweets in the corner shop come alive and begin to engage in...
Ode-worthy
Sixteen lines on an ode to something ugly Some label you as gruesome, harsh, austere, Brutal, barren, bleak, rough-edged and cold; For me...
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