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Night Terrors

A version of the Lord Chancellor’s ‘Nightmare Song’ from Iolanthe for any member of the British cabinet


When you’re lying awake, in need of a break and mopping your forehead with tissues,

When you worry and fret and your mind is beset with a thousand intractable issues,

When nothing turns up as the planet burns up and environment matters are pressing,

And cheaper air fares only add to your cares in a budget that offers no blessing;

When the populace sighs as food prices rise and the plight of the poor never ceases

And asthma runs rife as you’re gasping for life while the carbon dioxide increases,

When a Minister’s call is to please one and all and resolve each unsolvable riddle.

How you long for the charm of life on a farm like your dad in his calm Cornish idyll.

When laden and lumbered and always encumbered with onerous cabinet cares,

And you ponder and brood on Environment, Food and intransigent Rural Affairs

Not knowing at all if you’ll rise or you’ll fall as you can’t see the wood for the trees,

Then the minister’s lot is most certainly not a ‘walk in the park’ or a ‘breeze’!

So, tired and troubled, confused and befuddled with countless conundrums to fix,

You’re unable to see what the outcome will be from the fallout of COP 26.

But rising from bed with problems ahead, after dressing and shedding your nightwear,

With all that’s in store, you know that for sure, the day will be more of a nightmare!


George Eustice

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